Happy are those who dream dreams...

According to 10,000 Dream Interpretations by Gustavus Hindeman Miller, "if you see tar in dreams, it warns you against pitfalls and designs of treacherous enemies. To have tar on your hands or clothing, denotes sickness and grief". On more than one occasion, I have dreamed of walking--in high heels--on fresh tar. In these same dreams, I find myself helplessly lost, walking endlessly down strange streets, encountering numerous doors that lead to nowhere. The key symbolism in "being lost" dreams is frustration and is indicative of feelings of vulnerability, inadequacy, and feeling 'out of place' (or so Miller says).

Hmmmmm.....

AcapHELLa

With the rising popularity of shows like American Idol and Glee, was an acapella contest far behind? No. No, it wasn't. The Sing-Off would have us believe that Ivy League glee clubs and cougar barbershop quartets are (gay) cool. With the exception of Nota (the winners, not surprisingly), a Puerto Rican sextet (hehe--I said sex), the groups cut a cacophonic swath through pop music like a fat kid through cake. For the love of all that is holy, why must every fad be rewarded with its own public forum? The only thing that could have made this disaster of a show any worse was if it had been hosted by Wayne Brady (I'm sure he was their first choice, but he has that sweet gig over at Let's Make a Deal). Now no one is a bigger proponent of singing badly in public than I. Most people are aware of my karaokial (I know, I know--not a word, but it's my blog, damn it!) proclivities. But let's leave the karaoke in its rightful place: a dark, slighty seedy bar--with cheap beer.

pre-smackdown smack-talk

Elizabeth Winslow: Oh, you are Livin' on a Prayer. Your head will be spinning Round and Round while I Rock You Like a Hurricane. But, I guess that's the Same ol' Situation as always!!

Michelle Pavao: Here I Go Again! Take a Photograph, Lemon, cuz Ima be Bringin' On The Heartbreak! It's the Final Countdown: Shake Me? Haha, In Your Dreams.....

Elizabeth Winslow: Oh, Sweet Child o' Mine...You better Turn up the Radio and keep practicing because you'll be wishing you were Home Sweet Home or maybe in Paradise City...But I'll be sending you back to Skid Row on the Night Train!!

Michelle Winslow: Where's my invite!?!

Elizabeth Winslow: Oh, Sister Christian, you'll be invited. One of us will be going down in a Blaze of Glory, the other will be having Nothin' But a Good Time. So, December 6, Fly High Michelle on down to the OPT. But bring along Dr. Feelgood because there's gonna be some Bad Medicine!!

Erin Rowley: keep it going! i love when you 2 argue in song title form!

Michelle Pavao: You Got Another Thing Comin', Lemon, cuz I'm Nobody's Fool! I'm gonna Lay It Down In The Still Of The Night so take a Photograph and Lay It Down! You better check your Metal Health cuz I'm Hell Bent For Leather and Screamin' For Vengeance! Wait! You think you're gonna Rock Me? You better just Runaway before you Burn In Hell!

Elizabeth Winslow: All right-We strutted into town Just Like Jesse James at the Cher-off. And I’ll admit, I thought I was Invincible at the Benat-off. But we won’t be able to Blame it on the Boogie like we did at the Jack-off. You might have to Kickstart My Heart after I show off my Wild Side at the Aqua Net-Off. 12 days-It’s the Final Countdown. I’m Running With The Devil and you’re Headed For A Heart Break. But remember-Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away).

Michelle Pavao: Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Lemon, cuz If I Could Turn Back Time, you'd see it's really Black Or White: you better board the Crazy Train, cuz your singing will get you 18 And Life. No going Home Sweet Home for you, you're only FFFFoolin' yourself. You may have the Looks That Kill, but it won't do you any good in the Still Of The Night.

Elizabeth Winslow: Back For More, are we?? Well, there really is No One Like You. But you just can't Shake Me. Lay It Down? Oh, I'll Lay It Down. You better learn a little Patience because I'm gonna be Burning Like A Flame all night long. And that's just The Way It Is!!

Michelle Pavao: Tell Me, Way Cool Jr., do you prefer to Die With Your Boots On or Run To The Hills? Cuz when Push Comes To Shove, this Modern Day Cowboy will Stand Up And Shout. At 2 Minutes To Midnight, I'm gonna Unchain The Night. Oh, There's No One Like You, Sweet Child O Mine, but you'll be The Last In Line, Alone Again--that's just The Way It Is. But hey, get yer Big Bottom up there and take a Shot In The Dark! You may be lookin' for Nothin' But A Good Time, but there's no need to Talk Dirty To Me!

Fucking Nirvana!

Ozone-shmozone

Hi, kids. In the tradition of the Cher-Off, the Benat-Off, and the Jack-Off, Lemon and Paylo will once again cut heads--big, hairsprayed heads--at the AquaNet-Off! Nirvana may have killed the hair bands, but we're raisin' 'em from the dead for one night only! Sunday, December 6th, Old Port Tavern. You bring the earplugs, we'll bring the RAWK!!!

Jake

I spread ash-grey newspapers
all over the kitchen floor,
three layers thick, because
he can’t get up and down stairs
anymore.

Sixteen years ago, I spread ash-grey newspapers
all over the kitchen floor,
three layers thick, because
he was still learning.

Six years ago, I spread, not newspapers,
but ash-grey just the same,
the remains of a life on the wind, because
he was finally free.

The Good, the Bad and the Nunja

poet, didn't know it

When asked how he would like to spend his nights,
He answered thus to which his heart appeals:
A place of shining surfaces and lights,
A bastion of g-strings and clear heels.

He hits yon ATM, two-dollar bills
And verily traverses to the stage.
With bulging pants, anticipating thrills,
He happily forswears his weekly wage.

Positioned thus within sight of the pole,
His searching eyes--Oh most unholy quest!
A lengthwise-folded bill meant to cajole
From lacèd prison siliconèd breast.

He cedes his passion to a heart of stone,
And, soul and pockets empty, leaves alone.

My Big Fat Gay Rant

Thank the baby Jesus that we have decided to preserve the sanctity of marriage here in Maine! So that the Britney Spears of the world can continue to marry douchebags in Vegas and then get said marriages annulled hours later. So that countless reality-show fucktards can duke it out for the honor of presenting a ring that they didn't buy to a vapid attention-whore--but hey! at least it's one man and one woman! So that the Ted Haggards of the world can rail against gay marriage, but then can fuck male prostitutes in a meth-induced haze. So that the Bill Clintons, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzers and Mark Sanfords can violate their sacred and holy wedding vows with cigars, videographers, hookers and Argentines. Yes, it's probably best that we keep the sacred and holy institute of marriage away from the gays, cuz the straights are just SO good at it!

And so it begins....

mini rant

I will be posting DOL recaps soon, but in the meantime, can I just say how much I hate when someone you're hanging out with, having dinner with, doing whatever with, constantly pulls out his/her cell phone to check for calls/texts? Am I that boring or is this just common practice? Never mind---I don't wanna know.

DAISY OF LOVE Episode 4 Recap

The Fellowship of the Douche

Nine remain after last episode's "shocking" elimination in which Daisy, using her as-yet-unseen math skills, eliminates outliers Tool Box (most douchey) and Cable Guy (least douchey), resulting in a more representative pool of douchiness.

Because Daisy is such a rock 'n roll whor...I mean, fan, this week's challenge is Rockin' Nursery Rhymes. The guys are split up into 3 teams led by the musicians of the group: London, Cage, Chi Chi; Sinister, 12 Pack, Fox; 6 Gauge, Big Rig, Flex. There is a brief flicker of drama when, egads! Sinister does not pick BFF Chi Chi to be in his group. What part of this is a competition do these guys not get? Perhaps they did not read the fine print....

ANYway, off to the Knitting Factory, an L.A. bar, for the Mother Goose showdown, where we meet Daisy's BFF Taylor. Taylor's dad is the guitar player for the Steve Miller Band, which somehow qualifies her to judge these jackasses. Actually, maybe it does, indeed. 6 Gauge's band goes on first, with a Full Monty version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Flex admits that he doesn't know the words. Huh? I guess that's fair: Daisy didn't know the words to the Star Spangled Banner in ROL 2. And the stars weren't the only things twinkling: Big Rig, with only a guitar to hide his shame, shows off some "moves" that prompt Sinister to observe that "his ballsack is hanging out". Ewww......

Next up: London's band Daisy Blades, named thusly cause "Daisy likes razor blades". I do not know from whence they gathered this bit of information, but Daisy retorts: "I wax these bitches, thank you". No, Daisy, thank you. Their rendition of Row Row Row Your Boat made me want to gouge gouge gouge my ears out with a melon baller. One of the douches noted that they "shoulda row row rowed their ass out of the Knitting Factory". Good one, douchey. The song is just a buncha noise, followed by London falling down. Way to be cool, London, way to be cool.

Up last, Sinister's band Daisy Train, a play on "daisy chain" or perhaps "crazy train", both equally servicible and moderately clever. Kudos. Their song, Old MacDonald (or is it McDonald?) Had a Farm, actually sounds like a rockin' version of the rhyme. And with the exception of Fox, who has no musical ability whatsoever, they sounded kinda like a real band (ish). So, of course, the winner is.......

Daisy Blades?!? WTF!! Evidently, all those lip fillers finally migrated to Daisy's ear canal, rendering her tone deaf. Apparently, no matter what the challenge may be, if London's on your team, you can count on a date with Daisy. As my friend Brian would say, blerg.

And Chi Chi somehow thinks he's still in the game...*sigh*

So, London, Chi Chi and Cage go off on their date with Daiz. In the limo, London reveals that he's sorta-kinda "couch surfing", ie: homeless, at the moment. In the middle of his sad, sad tale, Daisy gets distracted by, oh, I dunno, a shiny object, and walks away, which hurts lil London's feelins'. Ooh, I smells trouble...

Daisy's big date is a trip to a Gibson guitar showroom that she has had "shut down" just for them (read: broken into). She surprises them with their very own brand new guitars, practically bringing London to tears, for it seems he was sans guitar, and as Daisy so eloquently states, "A musician without his guitar is like a blonde without her bleach". Or her penicillin.

London then sits at a piano and gets all romantical 'n shit, while Chi Chi comes over and starts mauling Daisy. London stews, "Why do I have to compete against these guys?" Cause it's a competition, douche. Jeez... Daisy then takes Cage for some one-on-one time. It's like an After School Special: abusive dad, mom killed in car wreck, becomes cage fighter--you know, that old story. Cage is growing on me.....

So, we're back in the limo, and London starts getting all pissy. No one's exactly sure why, other than the fact that he's a drama queen. London feels that Daisy is giving him 'attitude'. There's only one person in this limo with an attitude, my little mohawked friend. London demands to be sent home. Happy to oblige, ass. Back at Villa de la Ho-ya, Daisy goes off to cry in her room, while London goes off on some crazy rant: "Joshua Lee is a real person!" He's also good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like him. Daisy requests a tete a tete with Sir Douch-a-lot. Daisy is totally buying into all of London's bullshit, and gets all Dr. Phil on our asses, her diagnosis being that all of the drama between them can only be the result of how much they care. Yes, I often show that I care by being a completely unreasonable dickhead and making someone cry. That, my friends, is how I roll. "Joshua Lee" also states at one point, "If you don't stand for something, you'll stand for anything". Um, yeah.

I've figured out why London seems so familiar to me. He's the Kristy Jo of Daisy of Love. Those of you who watched Rock of Love 2 will know what I mean....

Now that Daisy and London have worked out their differences, Daisy decides a rousing game of Truth or Dare is in order. Oh, yeah, this bodes well...Fox begins by asking Chi Chi, "Truth: who will go first, you or Sinister?" Oh no he di'nt. Chi Chi thinks Sinister would stay over him; Sinister thinks this is a sympathy move. Well, duh. Daisy then decides, brilliantly, to ask London, "Why did your dad kick you out?" And whaddya know? London gets...drum roll please...PISSY...and storms out.

Before elimination, Rikki takes Daisy aside and discusses the London situation. Rikki doesn't want London to stay; he's the typical struggling rock star with issues, the same kind of loser Daisy usually goes for. Rikki points out London's fabulous first night in the house (passed out drunk--you remember), and that he hasn't been there for Daisy from the beginning. Daisy hears, but does not listen...

Daisy requests an audience with London one last time before elimination. She informs him that he will be offered a chain, should he choose to accept it. Except she said it all Daisy-like, with some arm-flailin' and poutin'.

Elimination: Prior to elimination, Daisy sent the members of Chip 'n Daisy (6 Gauge, Big Rig and Flex) to get rock 'n roll make-overs. I believe she mistakenly sent them to Drag Queens-R-Us. Daisy calls down Cage, Chi Chi, 12 Pack, Flex...London.....dramatic pause....

London decides not to accept the chain. Baroo? Is it possible that London is a stand-up guy after all? It would seem so. Rikki approves, Daisy dissolves into a blubbering pile of silicone and runs off, leaving the rest of the guys wondering WTF? How many guys have now eliminated themselves? This has got to be some kind of reality show record.

The episode ends with no elimination....stay tuned...

What the what?!

Much like in November, my faith in America is renewed. Woke up just in time to see ....Kris Allen crowned as your..new...American....IDOL! But then, we were forced to listen to that...song:

Every step you climb another mountain
Every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricane

AAACCKKK!!! I can't take anymore! Jesus, it sounds like a poem written by a 13 year old girl, right before she cuts herself. Hmmmm...maybe Kara whats-her-face dug this out of her old diary from 1988.

And apparently, I totally missed an appearance by Kiss. Boo. Stoopid sleep....

Adamerican Idolatry

Okay, I haven't really been following AI too religiously this season (cause I have a life 'n shit---okay, not really), but I've caught enough episodes to write this leetle rant. It's down to Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. Last night, the two went mano a mano, singing 1. a song of their choice 2. a song chosen by producer 3. a song co-written by judge Kara whats-her-face (and ultimately the song that the winner will have to record as his first single---a song, which, by the way, is possibly the stupidest, smarmiest, retch-inducing-est piece of crap ever written--makes You Light Up My Life sound like Whole Lotta Love). Even Kara whats-her-face said she wasn't going to judge them based on that song, and she co-wrote it! There's a glowing endorsement of the soon-to be-released single! That should be on the album cover: Reflections by Adam Lambert: Please don't judge this album by that one craptacular song they made me sing as part of my contractual obligations. Thank you.

ANYway, I won't get in to the details of the night, but I'd like to know exactly what kind of dirt Adam Lambert has on these judges. All four of them have been sucking his dick all season. Yeah, the guy can sing, but he's such a throwback, I can't even imagine what kind of album this guy would make. Sorry, but arena rock ended in the 80s. To borrow from Simon, he sounds like cruise ship entertainment, like Norwegian Cruise Lines Presents: Rock n Roll Through the Ages starring American Idol's Adam Lambert. Kris Allen is so much more current and relevant, kinda John Mayer-y, if ya like that sorta thing. He did a cover of Kanye West's Heartless that was crazy cool:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we_B7x6ShrE

But it's America that votes, and since these are the same people who put G.W. Bush in office twice, I have no doubt the people will choose wisely....

Countdown to Smackdown....

No guts, no glory, no fear, and more importantly, no shame.

T-minus 3 hours.......

Breaking News

DAISY OF LOVE: Episode 3 Recap

After last week's "shocking" elimination, whereupon Daisy stupidly? decided to retain the services of girlfriend-havin' Brooklyn, the boys are back for this week's challenge: run across a field, relay style, whilst protecting mannequin 'Daisy' from paintball sharpshooters. Sounds easy enough, no? But the teams had a bit of trouble keeping 'Daisy's appendages attached to their respective torsos. We haven't seen that many fake Daisy parts flying around since her last shift at Big Sal's Tittie Bar & Oyster Shack. And based on all the girly-like screaming, those paintballs hurt.

After a valiant effort by, well, none (Fox used 'Dasiy' as a shield to prevent any paintballs from touching his oh-so-perfectly coiffed noggin), Daisy chose Sinister as the champ-een. To his credit, he did take a lot of balls to the face. Perhaps Daisy felt a kinship of sorts....

In a not-so-unexpected turn of events, Brooklyn announced that he had something to say, the gist of which was that he decided to eliminate himself from the competition. Probably a good thing, as the rest of the guys had been plotting his death after the whole girlfriend thing. Cause they're in this thing for Daisy, man, and nobody is gonna mess with the woman they (want vicarious fame through) love.

So, the guys went back to the house to primp for their lady. Oh, did I say for ? I meant like. Fox mascara'd his 'stache, Sinister painted his nails, London curled his pubes....ok that didn't happen, but it could have...it could have....

Cut to the obligatory post-challenge bar scene, where Sinister was supposed to have some VIP alone time with Miz Daiz. Daisy excused herself to the ladie's, then promptly went off to flirt (suck face) with the other McDouches. A few of the guys were decidedly less than interested in vying for Daisy's attention: Cable Guy pouting 'cause he can't bring himself to douche it up for love, Fox being cocky and too cool for school, and Tool Box...ah, Tool Box--basically humping and manhandling other... guys (he does know that Daisy is a chick, right?). In the meantime, poor, forgotten little Sinister sat patiently awaiting Daisy's return. This, of course, never happened. Daisy decided party time was over and herded the guys to the waiting limo. Sinister, God love him, cut Daisy some slack and rejoined the douche-tourage.

Meanwhile, back at the Rancho de Skanko, Tool Box continued groping his housemates, then gave Daisy a skanktastic lap dance. Later, while enjoying some quality time with some of the fellas, Tool admitted, "I ain't feelin' this girl". Oh no he di-n't. This statement would prove to supply valuable ammunition during elimination...

Next day, the winning team, London, Chi Chi, Sinister and 12 Pack, were invited to a body painting party with Daiz. After having to watch Daisy make out with London and Sinister, Chi Chi, feeling a wee bit jealous, decided to let his freak flag fly and began slobbering all over poor Daisy, who smiled and giggled in that way to which all gals can relate: you don't want to hurt the guy's feelings, but you are completely grossed out by his very touch. Poor poor Chi Chi. Daisy's not attracted to you, bud. Listen in a future episode for the sound of Chi Chi's little heart breaking completely in two....

Elimination. Daisy called down the usual suspects: London, 12 Pack, Sinister...Ultimately, it's smooth jazz channel (Daisy's description) Cable Guy who gets his walking papers. But wait! Flex, realizing that Tool Box was fixin' to stay, decided to call him out. Daisy questioned his desire to be there and fight for her. His response of "If you want me to" did not make it past Daisy's bullshit-o-meter (dumb blonde my left asscheek!) and he was sent packin'. Yea!! Most of the douchiest guys are now history (and probably auditioning for I Love Money 3).

My prediction for next week: Fox probably should go, but Daisy thinks he's hot, so she's not gonna give up on that one just yet. So...sorry Chi Chi.

DAISY OF LOVE

Daisy de la Hoya (niece of Oscar) is back in all her arm-flailing, fake-boobed, horse-faced glory. As you may (or may not) know, Daisy was unceremoniously dumped by uber-douche Bret Michaels on Rock of Love 2. Now, Daisy is calling the shots in her search for "true love" *tee hee*.

Episode 3 aired this past Sunday, and, as I do not have cable, I watched it online (MUCH better--no commercials!) Let's meet the douch...I mean guys!

Galeria de douchebags

Tool Box--just delete "box"

Cable Guy--lone black guy, not NEARLY douche-y enough for this show--perhaps meant to audition for Survivor?

Fox--foxy, feminine, cocky, bears watching.....

London--mohawked punk, made fabulous first impression on ep. 1 by getting rip-shit drunk and puking (that's hot); fortunately for him, Daisy is way attracted to him, so he's safe for now...

6 Gauge--looks like every strip club bouncer I've ever seen (uh, not that I've frequented that many strip clubs)

12 Pack--serial reality show contestant, attention whore, musclehead

Big Rig--cornfed country boy, possibly too pure to be pink (thanks, Rizzo)

Brooklyn--has girlfriend, who called the house repeatedly in ep. 2. Was called out for it at elimination, but Daisy inexplicably decided to give Professor the boot instead

Cage--tattooed face (that's all I got)

Chi Chi--small and needy, like a stray puppy. Daisy better not feed him....

Flex--uninteresting musclehead (two words that are interchangeable)

Sinister--skinny jean & eyeliner wearing goth-y rocker dude. Kinda sweet, may be his downfall...


Stay tuned for episode 3 recap.....

IT'S ON!!

PAT BENAT-OFF

Paylo "Heartbreaker" de la Hoya vs. Left-Eye "Invincible" Lemon
Sunday, May 17th, OPT
Smackdown starts at 9 pm

*available on pay-per-view*

My first post! Woohoo! Can you tell I'm new at this?