Tree Frogs

Part One

"Tree frogs," Lisa answered, slowly inching backward, suddenly afraid, but not knowing why. He had asked why she was walking alone in the woods, and forgetting the dictum drilled into every little kid from birth--don't talk to strangers--she began a rapid-fire recital of her day's activities: her two cousins, who were spending the summer there, had gone off to look for tree frogs, and she had wanted to join them, as searching for tree frogs sounded decidedly like fun, never mind that they had made it clear that her presence was not welcomed.

"Little girls shouldn't walk in the woods alone," he said, voice monotone, "aren't you afraid?" Abel Lynch was the neighborhood weirdo, not exactly a stranger, but strange nonetheless, and she had always kept her distance, lest his oft-rumored peculiarities prove true. She didn't know exactly what these were; adults were inexplicably vague on this point. She just knew he was creepy. Abel was rail-thin, with greasy dark hair that barely covered his weirdly tumescent skull; thick, black-rimmed glasses magnified his rheumy eyes, and he wore his ever-present, three-sizes-too-big green army jacket, although it was late June and already balmy.

"I just want to find my cousins," she said, voice trembling, hoping he wouldn't notice, vaguely remembering something she read once about how animals can smell fear. Mostly, she hoped that he would be satisfied with her answer, go about his business, and let her go about hers. Instead, he said, "I'll help you look." Instantly, dread welled up inside her, but because she was raised right, as they say, declining his help, or--worse yet--running and screaming, seemed rude at best; he was her elder, this strange non-stranger, and she felt compelled to accept. As she started off down the narrow, overgrown path, she could sense his presence just behind her, trampling thick weeds and tangled briars, striking dead branches with the heavy, gnarled stick he carried, each whack making her jump.

Planet of the Apes?

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of a time-traveling monkey....

“We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth.”

Henry Beston

Valedictorian

I sat alone, by choice,
but not my choice.
Bleak winter afternoons spent alone
with my macaroni and cheese
and judgement-free Jello.

You sat alone, by choice.
With your perfect hair,
your perfect GPA,
your perfect boyfriend,
your perfect life.

Often, I would carry my tray carefully
toward an empty table, and hesitate; what if
I just sat with you?
Would it be so weird?
But I would pass by, eyes downcast.

I remembered when we would sit
together at lunch, giggling,
twin chestnut ponytails bobbing,
before you became popular,
and I, invisible.

How could I have known that the only real
difference between us was access
to a gun?

See, even the fashion world agrees....

Granny Panties on the Rise

Mad Men, my left ass cheek. The return of the granny panty is CLEARLY a grass roots movement by angry Wonder Woman fans. And now, I shall go to the Walmahts and buy a six-pack of Fruit of the Loom.

Bring Back the Granny Panties!

Ok, considering that I STILL want to be Wonder Woman when I grow up (I have the costume--I'm ready), I feel I need to voice my opinion about the costume/origin changes that have been thrust upon us by the powers at DC. Um, what in the star-emblazoned underpants HELL were they thinking? She looks like an extra in a Paula Abdul video, circa 1992. Wonder Woman is an icon, no less so than Superman or Batman, whose costumes remain unchanged, and integral to her iconography are the star-spangled granny panties!!

Some of the "reasoning" behind the change: Who could fight crime in such a skimpy costume? Where does she keep her keys?

Are you fucking kidding me? You can suspend your disbelief enough to buy that a man can fly and melt shit with his laser vision, but you can't fathom a woman fighting crime in a bustier? To all the politically-correct, uber-feminists who think that being a strong, capable female requires pants: there must be a drum circle or poetry slam or "Women Who Run With The Wolves" book signing somewhere.

TKAM

July 2010 marked the 50th anniversary of the publication of To Kill a Mockingbird. I first read it in sixth grade, either in English class or on my own, I don't remember which (it was a few years ago, after all). What I do remember is the feeling of finding something that I didn't even know was missing.

People have asked me over the years why I love this book so much, and I've never been able to form a coherent answer. I suppose I could muster up some formulaic response--something about its themes of racial and social injustice, gender inequality, loss of innocence, and the definition of courage--all perfectly acceptable reasons to have read the same book every year for thirty years.

But I think I prefer not to over-analyze it. Besides, most people who really know me could probably figure it out...

Hahahahaha! I knew I loved this guy...

It's Aang! Like BANG, not BONG!

Ok, outside of the inexplicable mispronunciation of several major characters' names, The Last Airbender was not nearly as horrifically bad as the critics (nearly all of them) would have you believe. I'm not exactly sure from whence all this vitriol comes. It's certainly not the worst movie ever to disgrace the big screen (shoots side-eye at Van Helsing). I'm not really buying the whole "they didn't cast Asians" whine-o-rama. The Fire Nation seemed predominantly Indian--um, otherwise known as Asian--and the entire Earth Nation seemed to be East Asian. As far as Aang, I don't know the actor's ancestry, but the kid looks and sounds like Aang to me. And as for Katara and Sokka, in the cartoon, they have blue eyes. I don't know many blue-eyed Asians. The cartoon relies heavily on Asian influences and aesthetics (ie: Chinese calligraphy, martial arts, Kiyoshi warriors, etc), but it's a freakin' cartoon, people, and an American one, at that! Get over it!

ANYway, the biggest problems I had with the movie (besides the mispronunciation of names) were the less-than-creative dialogue, which translated into slightly wooden performances, and the feeling that it was very, I dunno, rushed, I guess. It seemed like Shamalamadingdong was trying to just get it over with before the studio shut him down or something. If I hadn't already been familiar with the story, I could see myself being a little confused.

On the up side:

1. Appa! (yip yip)
2. F/X were decent
3. Uncle Iroh--not much like his cartoon counterpart, but better, methinks

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?

Ten ants!

Researchers at Texas A&M have proposed battling invasive South American fire ants with the phorid fly (aka the humpback fly). The fly lays eggs in the ant's body, and the resulting maggot eats through the ant's brain. The ant becomes disoriented and staggers around until eventually its head falls off.

wtf???

I spent $$ for THIS?

Top 10 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

1. Van Helsing--two words: Kate Beckinsale sucks (ok, three words)

2. Hannibal--just gross.

3. Top Gun--first movie I ever fell asleep at.

4. Jaws: The Revenge--better subtitle: The Refund

5. Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom--two words: Kate Capshaw

6. Pearl Harbor--Pro: Mako's in it Con: Kate Beckinsale doesn't get kamikaze'd

7. Transformers 2--a robot humps Megan Fox's leg. WTF?

8. Stayin' Alive--Frank Stallone sings! Jesus tap dancing Christ...

9. 2012--why couldn't the world have ended before this
movie did?

10. Pink Panther 2--Bambi got more laughs than this

In my defense, I did not actually pay to see Pink Panther 2--it was playing on the bus I took to Boston (both freakin' ways).

Calamari Wrestler

This highly-anticipated, highly-recommended Netflix movie arrived last week. Finally got a chance to see it Wednesday night as part of my post-finals celebration (which also involved a REALLY amazing bottle of Riesling from Germany, courtesy of Hiroya-san).

It's exactly what the title would have you believe. A freakin' giant squid wrestler. But it's done with such clear affection and a seriousness that belies it's kee-razy premise. And the "Making Of" special feature--pretty funny.

I give it "Two Tentacles Up"!

School Shmool

So, after agonizing for weeks over whether or not to take physics this summer (that just SOUNDS wrong), I have decided that my health--nay--my very SANITY, hinges on my taking the summer off. So take it off, I shall. The summer, that is.

Zombie Nazis ruin EVERYTHING!

I think maybe the only thing worse than a Nazi is a zombie Nazi. Like Nazis aren't bad enough, now they gotta eat brains, too? Dead Snow is my second foray (Shock Waves is first) into this sub-genre of zombie movies--or is it the sub-genre of Nazi movies? Anyway, vacationing group of 20-somethings (already, they deserve to die), a cabin in remote Norway, Sweden, Finland--somewhere cold and Nordic, creepiness ensues: blood, entrails, chainsaws, self-amputation, etc. Most awesome! I think that Nazis are the only group that you can openly and safely hate these days without being labelled politically incorrect. Remember when it used to be the Russians (Rocky IV anyone)? Now we have the warm fuzzies for our comrades. But Nazis? Those guys are just total dinks. I predict that they will remain the quintessential Hollywood bad guys well into the next century, unless in the next 100 years, some new and reviled baddies come along. But I really doubt it. Nazis are just too perfectly evil to ever go out of style.

options...

It's easy to say you don't want something when having it is still an option.

Would you like some cheese with that 'whine'?

It's funny how easy a task becomes when you decide to stop whining about it and just sit your ass down and do it. I must learn to employ this more often...

Armageddon It

Discover magazine's Extreme Universe has a list of the 10 best and worst sci-fi films (according to author and astronomer Phil Plait). Can you guess what he thought of Armageddon?

This 1998 blockbuster was so exquisitely awful

that it's hard to pick a single instance of bad science

in it, since the movie is essentially 99 44/100 percent

steaming garbage. The plot is that a Texas-size asteroid is

spotted 18 days before it hits Earth. NASA sends a team of

wisecracking oil-rig workers (including a grimacing Bruce Willis)

to plant a bomb that will split it in half so that the two separating

chunks will miss Earth, save the day, and allow the boy to get the

girl. But first of all, there is no asteroid that big. Second, if there

were, it would be bright enough for Galileo to have seen it.Third,

it would take decades for it to get from the asteroid belt to Earth.

Fourth, oil-rig workers? Fifth, the bomb used to split the asteroid

would need to explode with the force of a hundred billion one-mega-

ton bombs, millions of times the total yield of all nuclear weapons

ever detonated. I, for one, am glad no such bomb exists.

I just wish the movie had bombed as well.

Ok, fine. The "science" is lame. But if you didn't at least shed a tear or two when Chick's estranged family greets him at the end, then you are a soul-less harpy who eats children (and possibly puppies). Begin viewing at 6:32-6:57.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lcMeM-3wtw

say "Wat"?

In 1947, the same year that Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in major league baseball, Wataru "Wat" Misaka, 5'7", became the first non-caucasian to play for the NBA. He was a first-round draft pick for the New York Knicks. It was more than 30 years before another Asian was drafted (7'1" Chibi Okayama--Golden State Warriors, 1981).

Check out the doc:

http://www.watmisaka.com/

Feeling a little hormonal, are we?

Barren winter came
And with it happiness, but...
Welcomed blood brings tears.

Busta!

It's a little old school, but hey, so am I! At the 1998 Grammys, this lost out to "Men in Black". Hrmmmm......

http://music.aol.com/video/put-your-hands-where-my-eyes-can-see/busta-rhymes/1100655

The Human Highlight Reel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G58UjBzhyco

*sigh*

We're not the worst!

The Lions finished the season 2-14, which is a distinct improvement over last season's record-setting 0-16 finish. And yet, as much as we suck, we're still marginally less craptastic than the Rams (1-15).

Go Lions!!

Ode to Blood Bank

Once upon a Shawshank dreary,
While I festered, eyes most bleary,
O'er various and sundry mandatory readings and other
Boring crap,

Suddenly there came a tappin'
On the window.
Damn! I'm nappin'!
Now I gotsta get ta crackin',
Crackin' on the fresh O-negs.

If only ARC delivered kegs...